gosh its been a while. so much has happened that i barely know where to begin...
im a chef now. a trainee, baby chef, but a chef nonetheless. i've wanted to do this for years, create dishes that speak words your mouth cannot, give a taste of home when home is a million miles away. cheffing, food, is not just a job for me. its a career. at the moment, no, i'm not doing that. i'm not soothing hurts with a perfect souffle. i'm not celebrating a new job/baby/marriage/achievement with steaks. im chopping potatoes for five hours non-stop, but that's ok. i'm learning, i'm growing, i'm absorbing.
last night (tuesday night) was my first time in a real, honest-to-god professional kitchen. it was exciting, terrifying and challenging all rolled up in one. i stood at the very end, next to the handwash sink and just watched. absorbing anything and everything i could, from the way the dishes were prepped, to how the order system worked. steve, my head chef, is amazing. rarely in the world of famous chefs will you find a head chef willing to roll up his sleeves and help the kitchen porter wash the dishes, but that's what he did last night. he works us hard, he pushes us past where we're comfortable into new and unfamiliar territory, but just based on last night? this is a man i'm willing to stick with for a long time.
i've learned a lot in the past two days. i've learned that there's nothing more tedious than paperwork (not even chopping potatoes for five hours could convince me of that). i've learned just how hard working full-time can be for someone who has never had to do it before. i've learned that most chefs just want to see the new guys succeed, as there's never a shortage of jobs in this industry. and i've learned that communication is the most important thing in a kitchen.
i'm finding my voice, and my feet, slowly but surely. in three months time, i might decide that professional cheffing is too hard, or too much work for me. but i doubt it. it is hard work. my house is a bombsite because i've not had the energy or motivation to tidy since i started training. the past few meals have been freezer meals or we've eaten out, partially out of tiredness on my part. but we're learning. we're finding our groove, and we're growing in it.
and all the time, God has been there. the voice reminding me why i don't swear in the kitchen. the voice telling me to speak about Him, to not be fearful. i feel closer to Him in a busy, sweaty, crowded kitchen than i do in a church sometimes, and i love that.
k.
recently, i found out that a dear friend is pregnant again. this will be her third child, and i am so happy for her.
i am making the active choice to be happy for her, to encourage her in her choices, to support her in her needs and to praise her in her successes and failures alike. chris and i have been married for nearly two years; two years that have been heartbreaking and delightful. we have learnt so much about eachother and ourselves. where our tolerances end and where our tempers flare. how to say sorry without words and how to apologise wholeheartedly. we both agree on many things, and one thing that we agree on is children. we long for children. i truly believe that we were created to not only bless our family and friends, but to be blessed with a family of our own. be it through fostering and adoption, which are truly close to my heart, or through pregnancy and childbirth; children are on the menu.
so to find out that my darling friend is pregnant with her third, when i haven't had my first yet, is hard. chris and i knew that we would have to wait for a few years for children, partially because we knew we had to grow as a couple before we grew our family, but also because of finances.
i hate money. i hate the hold that money has over all our lives; you go to work to earn money to pay for a house which is then left empty for half the day because you're at work. i hate that money is something that is stopping us from trying for a baby. our home is tiny, but a family of three could fit in it perfectly (provided of course, we get rid of a lot of our junk that has piled up over the last two years). our hearts are full with love for eachother, but there is always space for a small one. but our wallets? even with scrimping and saving every last penny, there isn't room for a child. and i don't say that lightly. i know that financially, you're never 100% stable enough for a child, because babies throw your world upside down and turn it inside out. but if we factor in every penny we have, it just doesn't stretch to clothes, baby stuff (cots, prams etc) and all the other things that babies truly need (like nappies!)
so we wait. we pray for patience and we receive an opportunity to practise it. we pray for a chance to bless other families while we wait for our own, and we receive countless opportunities to be salt and light to our loved ones.
it doesn't stop it being hard though. this baby thing has been a hard lesson for me to learn; once, my identity would've revolved around being a mother. now, i know that my identity is in Christ, but my role? my role is in being a mother. that is the best job, and the hardest job i can think of performing. i dont just want the cute baby that sleeps all the time. i want the teething, sleepless nights. the sickly toddler. the grumpy nine year old. the silent teenager. the nearly-16 who rings me from a friends house because she wants to come home. the 21-year old who doesn't see eye to eye with me but now that she's living away from home, she appreciates all i did for her. or him.
i know motherhood is rough. i understand that. but so is marriage. so is learning to be content with what i have. so is completing a university degree you despite. so is waiting for children.
i know that i will look back on this when i do have children, and think "you fool, you had no idea what you're letting yourself in for", and she will be right. i don't. but i want to learn.
k.
i am making the active choice to be happy for her, to encourage her in her choices, to support her in her needs and to praise her in her successes and failures alike. chris and i have been married for nearly two years; two years that have been heartbreaking and delightful. we have learnt so much about eachother and ourselves. where our tolerances end and where our tempers flare. how to say sorry without words and how to apologise wholeheartedly. we both agree on many things, and one thing that we agree on is children. we long for children. i truly believe that we were created to not only bless our family and friends, but to be blessed with a family of our own. be it through fostering and adoption, which are truly close to my heart, or through pregnancy and childbirth; children are on the menu.
so to find out that my darling friend is pregnant with her third, when i haven't had my first yet, is hard. chris and i knew that we would have to wait for a few years for children, partially because we knew we had to grow as a couple before we grew our family, but also because of finances.
i hate money. i hate the hold that money has over all our lives; you go to work to earn money to pay for a house which is then left empty for half the day because you're at work. i hate that money is something that is stopping us from trying for a baby. our home is tiny, but a family of three could fit in it perfectly (provided of course, we get rid of a lot of our junk that has piled up over the last two years). our hearts are full with love for eachother, but there is always space for a small one. but our wallets? even with scrimping and saving every last penny, there isn't room for a child. and i don't say that lightly. i know that financially, you're never 100% stable enough for a child, because babies throw your world upside down and turn it inside out. but if we factor in every penny we have, it just doesn't stretch to clothes, baby stuff (cots, prams etc) and all the other things that babies truly need (like nappies!)
so we wait. we pray for patience and we receive an opportunity to practise it. we pray for a chance to bless other families while we wait for our own, and we receive countless opportunities to be salt and light to our loved ones.
it doesn't stop it being hard though. this baby thing has been a hard lesson for me to learn; once, my identity would've revolved around being a mother. now, i know that my identity is in Christ, but my role? my role is in being a mother. that is the best job, and the hardest job i can think of performing. i dont just want the cute baby that sleeps all the time. i want the teething, sleepless nights. the sickly toddler. the grumpy nine year old. the silent teenager. the nearly-16 who rings me from a friends house because she wants to come home. the 21-year old who doesn't see eye to eye with me but now that she's living away from home, she appreciates all i did for her. or him.
i know motherhood is rough. i understand that. but so is marriage. so is learning to be content with what i have. so is completing a university degree you despite. so is waiting for children.
i know that i will look back on this when i do have children, and think "you fool, you had no idea what you're letting yourself in for", and she will be right. i don't. but i want to learn.
k.
I'm sorry.
Elgin John was right when he sang that sorry seems to be the hardest word. It is. In saying sorry, you're often saying a lot more. You're admitting you were wrong. You're admitting to having flaws that can, and do, hurt people. People that you love. People that you care about.
So I'm sorry readers. I'm sorry for neglecting you. I'm sorry that my intention when I started up this blog wasn't to document my life, but to try and develop enough of a readership that I could make money from it. I wanted to be popular, well-liked and admired by complete strangers on the Internet. Complete strangers who will never meet me in person, who will never see that 99.99% of the time my home is a complete mess and I'm shouting at my husband and he hasn't done the dishes and I haven't rang my mother in at least two weeks because I'm a neglectful daughter. None of that comes out on this, because I have complete control over what appears here. And sometimes it's to my own detriment; this blog only keeps going when I work on it. It only receives a breath of fresh air when I give it one. So much of my time is whiled away on things like Instagram and Pinterest, wishing that my home, my life, looked like that, rather than going and doing and living.
So why has my blog been dead recently? Because, alongside other things, my attitude has sucked. I have wanted so many things to just fall into my lap, and whilst God is always faithful to His promises, He doesn't reward laziness. I'll give you a breakdown of what my life has looked like recently to help you understand.
9:00 AM -11AM - wake up
11:30AM - get up and shower and do all the bits that come with getting up
1PM - meet a friend for coffee/play minecraft
4PM - eat lunch, then continue playing minecraft
7PM - Chris gets home
8PM - eat dinner
9PM - play minecraft/watch TV
11PM - go to bed
I'm sleeping a considerable amount more than I need to, I'm not setting any time aside to spend with God, I'm not being a servant hearted homemaker and I'm spending wasaaaasy too much time on minecraft. I'm not looking for a job despite the fact I need one, because I'm stubborn. I'm stubborn and I'm lazy and it frustrates me to no end that this is the thing I keep screwing up on. I keep screwing up my sleeping patterns, I keep saying I'll look for a job and then never bother, and I keep saying that I'll get my act together, and I haven't.
So this is my pledge. To start living life in a realistic way. To be honest, and open about what I struggle with. To be more proactive and less reactive.
And to get a job. Because there's not going to be any tiny Hatelys until I have one.
Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for your support.
K.
nostalgia.
I remember getting used to waking up to someone else in the bed with me. I remember getting used to putting towels back so he could use them in the shower. I remember getting used to wearing my wedding ring. I remember getting used to seeing my wedding ring. I remember getting used to having all this free time with another human being and knowing that he will be there in the morning. It was such a relaxing thing. But now I'm finding myself becoming complacent. And that scares me. Now, I don't cherish the time we have together, because I'm used to it. Now, I don't cherish the sound of his breathing while he sleeps, because I'm used to it. Now, I don't cherish the sight of my wedding ring, because I'm used to it. I'm used to a lot of things; I'm used to tiredness, to hunger, to pain, to sorrow. I'm used to joy, and laughter, and friendship. I'm used to a lot of things but that doesn't give me the excuse not to cherish the good.
I was always taught that the key to a good marriage is communication. But it's not just that. It's also about enjoying eachother's company. If you were out with a friend, you wouldn't sit and play on your phones. You wouldn't wear headphones to block out any chance of communication. You would be courteous and make sure that the other person was content and happy before you did anything else.
Marriage isn't about me. It's about us, and ultimately it's about God. Chris asked me recently if I was happy, and honestly? I'm not. I'm complacent. Not happy, not sad. Just...meh. And I hate it. It's one of the side-effects of being broke is that we don't really have the opportunity to go out and do stuff, because stuff tends to cost money. I nearly wrote "now that it's summer we can..." but its been summer for a month. And we haven't done things that we promised ourselves we would.
There will always be a "when I get X, then I'll do Y" in my life. I don't want it to become my marriage.
k. x
on july 10th 2013, i graduated. it was a culmination of approximately 18 years of formal education, several all-nighters and thousands of pounds.
i got a 2:2.
i was pissed. not because i didn't think i deserved it, because i did. but because i knew that the only person i had to blame was myself. and that hurt. i had failed myself. i had wasted three years.
but chris then reminded me that it wasn't a waste. i had met friends that would remain my friends for the next thousand years. and that was worth all the sleepless nights and tears.
i owe everything to these people; they have helped shape and mould me to be the woman i am today.
k. x
i got a 2:2.
i was pissed. not because i didn't think i deserved it, because i did. but because i knew that the only person i had to blame was myself. and that hurt. i had failed myself. i had wasted three years.
but chris then reminded me that it wasn't a waste. i had met friends that would remain my friends for the next thousand years. and that was worth all the sleepless nights and tears.
i owe everything to these people; they have helped shape and mould me to be the woman i am today.
k. x
communication.
my family doesn't communicate. we shout. nicely, sometimes, but we still
shout. we use harsh words where soft ones would do and loud voices
where gentle ones would suffice. insults are thrown around freely, and
nothing is thought out before its spoken.
chris is far more softly spoken than i am. he thinks before he speaks whereas i tend to regret a lot of what i say.
meeting him was a breath of fresh air.
marrying him was a lungful.
i have learnt to communicate in ways i never thought possible over the past three months. i have learnt that saying "i'm sorry" actually has to mean you're sorry for what you did, not just that you're sad because they've been hurt. spending time with lynette and her two sweet little ones has taught me the importance of discipline and talking. if joshua (who is now growing up to be a slightly boisterous three year old) does something wrong, lynette not only gets him to apologise and say sorry, but also asks him what he is sorry for. i'll give you an example.
recently, joshua was playing up. i was over at the house and he wanted his mum's attention, but she was having a conversation with me, so joshua had to wait to speak. he threw a tantrum and started to cry. eventually, after a time out and some tears and snot, he apologised. lynette asked him what he was apologising for. he said (and i'm grown-up-ifying this since he's only three) for being impatient and rude. i'd never seen that before. i grew up under the impression that you said "i'm sorry" and that was it; i had never experienced someone actually outlining what they were sorry for.
so i'm trying to use this in my communcations with chris. when we argue, we do apologise. but now i've started to try and explain what i'm sorry for before i apologise. because then it outlines where my selfishness lies, where my pride lies, and where my humility lies.
if i could offer anyone some advice, it would be this. think first. think with your head (am i being kind?). think with your heart (would i be hurt to hear this?). then think with your voice (what is my tone?). be kind in your speech. when i say kind, i don't mean nice. we are not called to be 'nice'. 'nice' means never offending anyone. 'nice' means staying quiet on topics that matter for fear of offending someone.
k. x
chris is far more softly spoken than i am. he thinks before he speaks whereas i tend to regret a lot of what i say.
meeting him was a breath of fresh air.
marrying him was a lungful.
i have learnt to communicate in ways i never thought possible over the past three months. i have learnt that saying "i'm sorry" actually has to mean you're sorry for what you did, not just that you're sad because they've been hurt. spending time with lynette and her two sweet little ones has taught me the importance of discipline and talking. if joshua (who is now growing up to be a slightly boisterous three year old) does something wrong, lynette not only gets him to apologise and say sorry, but also asks him what he is sorry for. i'll give you an example.
recently, joshua was playing up. i was over at the house and he wanted his mum's attention, but she was having a conversation with me, so joshua had to wait to speak. he threw a tantrum and started to cry. eventually, after a time out and some tears and snot, he apologised. lynette asked him what he was apologising for. he said (and i'm grown-up-ifying this since he's only three) for being impatient and rude. i'd never seen that before. i grew up under the impression that you said "i'm sorry" and that was it; i had never experienced someone actually outlining what they were sorry for.
so i'm trying to use this in my communcations with chris. when we argue, we do apologise. but now i've started to try and explain what i'm sorry for before i apologise. because then it outlines where my selfishness lies, where my pride lies, and where my humility lies.
if i could offer anyone some advice, it would be this. think first. think with your head (am i being kind?). think with your heart (would i be hurt to hear this?). then think with your voice (what is my tone?). be kind in your speech. when i say kind, i don't mean nice. we are not called to be 'nice'. 'nice' means never offending anyone. 'nice' means staying quiet on topics that matter for fear of offending someone.
k. x
a graduate.
its been over three months since i last wrote here.
three months. it seems insane that something that was once so precious to me, documenting my life here, could slip away so easily. but things have been insane lately. so i'll break it down for you.
may was exams. it felt like my brain was being scrambled every day. now i love to learn. i do. i love to find out new things and read about new things and increase my knowledge so that one day, when (God willing) i have children, i will be able to answer their questions to the best of my ability. but i hate being examinated on it. i can't write essays, i can't write projects and i suck at memorising dates and names. so examination periods are really stressful for me. combine that with my anxiety, there were a few days that chris came home to me hiding in the bedroom hyperventilating.
i just need to take a minute here and highlight how blessed i am to have him. never have i been so comfortable with one person; he knows me inside and out and knows exactly what i need. he has been my support the past few months (read: years) and has dilligently worked alongside me to learn how to manage my anxiety and panic attacks. they still awful at times, and can strike at any point without a moment's notice, but i'm learning.
june was transition. june was hard, potentially the hardest so far. i was unemployed. no longer a student, my exams were over forever, and i had nothing to do. i was un.em.ployed. so rather than taking this as a hint and starting to job hunt, i sank into depression. some days i wouldn't get out of bed. i barely ate, i slept 12-14 hours a day, and my panic attacks grew worse. needless to say, rock bottom came flying towards me, so chris took me (read: frog-marched) me to the doctors and sat and made me tell her everything. i don't deal well with tension, so i spent most of it laughing or joking. the doctor clearly didn't think i was taking this very seriously until i explained what a panic attack felt like. then she took me seriously.
for those of you who have never experienced anything like that, it can feel like this.
you feel the air becoming more solid; its too close for comfort and you can't take deep breaths in. you can feel yourself getting nervous, like just before you make a big speech. your heart isn't exactly racing or pumping loudly, but you're aware of everything that is going on in your body. you need to get out of there. right now. but you can't. you can't walk calmly, you can't even walk. you can only freeze or run.
it is literal fight or flight for me. and it sucks ass. chris and i have a terminology now for our arguments: angry arguing and panicky arguing. when i have an anxiety attack, i dont necessarily hyperventilate. everything just tenses up and i am hyperaware. so i lash out because the last thing i want to do at that point in time is be trapped in a corner. that is panicky arguing; i have little control over what i do or say because all i am trying to do is escape.
note: they feel like this to me. anxiety is a funny thing, and its never the same twice. i rarely hyperventilate, but i had a friend who never seemed to stop hyperventilating now.
so june was hard. we were broke, i was doing little else but sleep and we never seemed to stop arguing.
in short, june sucked ass.
july was better. july was graduation and anniversary. i'll go into deeper detail about graduation in a different post because this one already feels like an epic, but it was pretty freaking cool.
our anniversary was very low-key, mainly due to the fact that as of right now (12 days before payday), we have £49.02 left to pay two phone bills and food bills. it wont stretch. it never freaking does. and despite the fact that it pisses me off beyond measure, i know that we are blessed. our parents are willing to help out. we have a roof over our head and our landlord is the tits. one reason our landlord is epic is due to various different reasons, we missed rent this month. so we let him know, so he wouldn't be AS angry with us. and he just said "don't worry, just pay when you can". we paid two weeks later, after scrimping and saving and scrounging from both sets of parents but oh my word are we blessed. i was terrified that he would flip....
anyway, anniversary. chris and i have been seeking counsel from two beloved friends recently; we never really (i never really) took the pre-marital counselling stuff seriously because i was already fairly confident i knew him well enough to live with him. if there are any engaged people reading this, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. the first few months of marriage are bliss, and then you argue like crazy. chris does things that piss me off. i do things that piss him off. we didn't know about these things until we got married. so joel and lynette are walking with us through some of these issues, and we spent our anniversary with them, chatting about communication and discussing ways in which chris and i can improve on our communication with eachother. there were some awkward and tough conversations but all was softened by love, friendship and the fact that there was really good chinese food.
i'm sorry that this is a very text heavy post. a lot has happened in the past three months, and it feels good to get some of it out so that in ten years time, i can look back and track where my life has been and the path it has taken.
k. x
three months. it seems insane that something that was once so precious to me, documenting my life here, could slip away so easily. but things have been insane lately. so i'll break it down for you.
may was exams. it felt like my brain was being scrambled every day. now i love to learn. i do. i love to find out new things and read about new things and increase my knowledge so that one day, when (God willing) i have children, i will be able to answer their questions to the best of my ability. but i hate being examinated on it. i can't write essays, i can't write projects and i suck at memorising dates and names. so examination periods are really stressful for me. combine that with my anxiety, there were a few days that chris came home to me hiding in the bedroom hyperventilating.
i just need to take a minute here and highlight how blessed i am to have him. never have i been so comfortable with one person; he knows me inside and out and knows exactly what i need. he has been my support the past few months (read: years) and has dilligently worked alongside me to learn how to manage my anxiety and panic attacks. they still awful at times, and can strike at any point without a moment's notice, but i'm learning.
june was transition. june was hard, potentially the hardest so far. i was unemployed. no longer a student, my exams were over forever, and i had nothing to do. i was un.em.ployed. so rather than taking this as a hint and starting to job hunt, i sank into depression. some days i wouldn't get out of bed. i barely ate, i slept 12-14 hours a day, and my panic attacks grew worse. needless to say, rock bottom came flying towards me, so chris took me (read: frog-marched) me to the doctors and sat and made me tell her everything. i don't deal well with tension, so i spent most of it laughing or joking. the doctor clearly didn't think i was taking this very seriously until i explained what a panic attack felt like. then she took me seriously.
for those of you who have never experienced anything like that, it can feel like this.
you feel the air becoming more solid; its too close for comfort and you can't take deep breaths in. you can feel yourself getting nervous, like just before you make a big speech. your heart isn't exactly racing or pumping loudly, but you're aware of everything that is going on in your body. you need to get out of there. right now. but you can't. you can't walk calmly, you can't even walk. you can only freeze or run.
it is literal fight or flight for me. and it sucks ass. chris and i have a terminology now for our arguments: angry arguing and panicky arguing. when i have an anxiety attack, i dont necessarily hyperventilate. everything just tenses up and i am hyperaware. so i lash out because the last thing i want to do at that point in time is be trapped in a corner. that is panicky arguing; i have little control over what i do or say because all i am trying to do is escape.
note: they feel like this to me. anxiety is a funny thing, and its never the same twice. i rarely hyperventilate, but i had a friend who never seemed to stop hyperventilating now.
so june was hard. we were broke, i was doing little else but sleep and we never seemed to stop arguing.
in short, june sucked ass.
july was better. july was graduation and anniversary. i'll go into deeper detail about graduation in a different post because this one already feels like an epic, but it was pretty freaking cool.
our anniversary was very low-key, mainly due to the fact that as of right now (12 days before payday), we have £49.02 left to pay two phone bills and food bills. it wont stretch. it never freaking does. and despite the fact that it pisses me off beyond measure, i know that we are blessed. our parents are willing to help out. we have a roof over our head and our landlord is the tits. one reason our landlord is epic is due to various different reasons, we missed rent this month. so we let him know, so he wouldn't be AS angry with us. and he just said "don't worry, just pay when you can". we paid two weeks later, after scrimping and saving and scrounging from both sets of parents but oh my word are we blessed. i was terrified that he would flip....
anyway, anniversary. chris and i have been seeking counsel from two beloved friends recently; we never really (i never really) took the pre-marital counselling stuff seriously because i was already fairly confident i knew him well enough to live with him. if there are any engaged people reading this, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. the first few months of marriage are bliss, and then you argue like crazy. chris does things that piss me off. i do things that piss him off. we didn't know about these things until we got married. so joel and lynette are walking with us through some of these issues, and we spent our anniversary with them, chatting about communication and discussing ways in which chris and i can improve on our communication with eachother. there were some awkward and tough conversations but all was softened by love, friendship and the fact that there was really good chinese food.
i'm sorry that this is a very text heavy post. a lot has happened in the past three months, and it feels good to get some of it out so that in ten years time, i can look back and track where my life has been and the path it has taken.
k. x
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